written: 2025-11-04
You know what I just realised? I just realised that I have this bad habit of just dumping my thoughts in somewhere without actually critiquing them. I've been so focused on noting their presence in the way that I do in meditation that I never really bothered to justify or analyse or otherwise dismantle them. There's a time and place to "attack" my thoughts and meditation isn't that place. The place where that work is meant to be done is in the gym of the mind, the reflection, the diary.
I held onto this idea for so long. My diaries for decades have been filled with brain dumps, and spirals, and "I just gotta get this out of my head so it's not bouncing around in there". Not once (or very few times, at least) has there ever been an entry where I question that thought. Not just on the validity of the thought, but also on the action forward! No presence of "What do I do next time this comes up?", but always "why is this happening again?"
In my infinite depths of wisdom, I took a step out of my own fragile ego and asked "what would \
The thing that got me onto this was how I don't feel like I've got much of a social life anymore. Social health is such a crucial part of mental health and I've been feeling the lack. It sucks feeling disconnected from my friends. Normally this would be where the thought finished. "At least I have it down on paper". Questioning myself, I asked "what have you done to reach out?" and the answer is "I haven't". It's a good thread to pull on in terms of finding a course of action. It's such a good reminder of my own agency; I have the power to change my circumstance. This form of questioning acts as a great first step toward getting out of my head and into an improved state of being.
Another example. I've been feeling real slack at work. I feel like I'm player two, the guy on the bench. No sense of purpose, but I feel like I should be up there. They're not giving me the big roles! "Have you been slack?" Yeah. "Have you really given them (or yourself) any reason to think you can take on those big roles" I guess not. "Have you been given chances?" I think I'm being given one now. "Do you want to take it on?" Yes. "Why don't you?" I never knew if that was a priority but I think that I know now how important it is for me, it's a recent realisation.
This kind of honest conversation with myself has led to some realisations. Tough love. I've doshed it out before. I've received it before too, but I never thought to do it for myself.